The sky is blue. Outrageously blue today. It is the kind of day that makes you forget clouds exist. A breeze kicks up and cools my sweaty brow. I feel good today, no stress. I can hear the rumbling of bike gangs in the near distance, out of sight, but within earshot. I’m in our yard. I have been standing in a patch of grass, what is left of our lawn, for about 15 minutes trying to figure out where to start. Our yard used to be orderly and clean, well at least as much as it could be. Today and every summer for the past few years it has become more and more jungle like.
Grape vines have climbed up our fragile cherry tree. The small apple and pear trees are nowhere in sight. The rock wall that divided the yard in two is overgrown and falling down. I can barely make out where the pond used to be beyond the wall and up a small hill just out of reach of one of our fine pine trees. The other pine, the taller skinner one closer to the house used to have a green wooden bird feeder hanging from its branches 10 feet above the ground. There is no use looking for it nor the huge black rubber tractor tire that sat beneath the tree and served as a sand box for us as children. The growth has taken over and turned what used to be a roughly tended yard into a thicket filled with vines to trip you, insects to sting you and thorns to prick you.
This place is a nightmare I think to myself. How did we ever let it get this way? I mean all we had to do was mow a few times a year and it wouldn’t have gotten so bad. “If dad were around this wouldn’t have happened,” I think to myself. I’ve thought this a million times and in every possible situation I could imagine. Whenever something is hard or I feel overwhelmed I think this wouldn’t be this way if dad were still alive.
I feel this way about a lot of things in my life, especially things I don’t know how to confront or address. I feel that if my dad were still around things would be different. No doubt that feeling is true, but it in of itself it is not an overwhelmingly helpful insight nor does it help me better understand how to deal with the sense of loss I associate with his absence.
I sigh, look around and begin to feel overwhelmed by the wall of green intertwined life staring me in the face. I have my loppers, a pair of leather gloves and long pants on. What would dad do if he were here? He would enjoy the time spent outside and plunge into the thicket and turn it back into what he wanted it to be and would be smiling the entire time. I grin, pick up my loppers envisioning my father out here beside me and step into the thicket.
For many, birthdays are a time to rejoice, celebrate and of course tell birth stories! For me birthdays are not imbued with the same sense of gleeful nostalgia. They are subtle reminders of an uncertain past and an unknown beginning.
The first birthday is not simply a date. It is an experience that, although no one remembers, is possibly more unique than any other human experience. The first actions during infanthood are often used as metaphors for that person’s developing personality. Memories are cherished and retold, affirming the foundational identity of the new person. Even stories of the womb are used to infer what the soon-to-be-birthed-baby will be like, what kind of person they will be. Many of those initial actions, in the womb and throughout infanthood, are not actual indicators of a person’s identity but when they do come true they can play a strong role in providing that person with a sense of continuity in the story of their identity. A sense that they have been the way they are since birth and therefore should be that way, which can act to reaffirm themselves during moments of identity crisis.
I have felt the lack of that continuity my identity story for as long as I can remember. I feel like the uncertainty of my past (not knowing my exact birthday, having no actual birth records, not knowing my first family…etc) is masked in the present as uncertainty in the daily performance of my identity. What the hell does that mean? It means I feel unable to make decisions that I feel reflect my own desires or feelings. I find it incredibly difficult to know what I want to express preference. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking is this kid really suggesting that the reason he cant decide what meal to pick of a menu is because he doesn’t know his birth details? Don’t hate me, but yes, that is kind of what I am saying. I am saying I believe that the uncertainty of my beginning has had reverberating effects on how I see (or don’t) myself as a person today.
I believe that much of the uncertainty about my past coupled with the difficulty I have with creating an image of myself in the future (see My Kids Are White) has played a role, who knows how significant, in my low self-esteem. I think that is why I have a hard time enjoying my birthday. I think because I don’t recognize much of the value (obviously being birthed is something I am glad of and value) in the date since it really is meaningless. Without the memories, stories and certainty of the date my birthday feels as meaningless as celebrating Christmas on June 15th or the New Year in August.
I was scared, terrified. It was probably midnight and we had just walked off the plane. Off the plane and out into the cool night air. I was with my older sister, but was still scared. I thought being here was going to calm me down, make me feel comfortable and “normal”. I thought being here would be like being home, like being in a place of complete comfort, surrounded by people who looked like me. It was dark and we were unsure what we were supposed to do. I expected the streets to be filled with people, bustling and jammed together. It was quiet and calm. There were a few groups of men, taxi and rickshaw drivers, standing around waiting for people like us.
It seemed like a bad idea to have planned our flight so we got in so late, especially since no one was meeting us. We would meet up with our guide in the morning and had to figure out how to get to our hotel on our own.
Anyone who has read this blog knows I love to fantasize. I love to think about all the possible outcomes of every decision I make. I daydream about being a world class soccer player. Breaking every scoring record that’s ever existed. Before this trip you can bet I fantasized about all the great things I would do when I got there. I believed this trip would dissolve my insecurities. Returning to my “homeland” would bring out my superhuman capabilities and I would lift this nation out of poverty, eliminate rampant corruption and, of course, make its soccer team the best in world.
To say I was naive would be kind. I was 15 and believed, n0 knew, that nothing could stop me! The difference between most of my fantasies and this one was that I, actually, believed that going home, to India, would actually make me feel more comfortable. I believe it could actually dispel my deepest insecurities and propel me to my fullest potential.
Stepping of that plane in Bangalore would be the first time I would have to honestly look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge I was who I was, no matter where I was. It is easy, growing up somewhere where you feel out of place, to always make excuses for why things don’t go right. For why you aren’t the best at everything or why you feel so insecure. It is easy to blame those things on something else, besides yourself. Growing up I placed a lot of blame for my own personal short-comings on my life circumstances. I always felt held back. Held back by a culture and world that didn’t understand me. Held back by being different than most around me. I
By choosing to get on that plane and subsequently spending 17 days in India I chose to confront this resentful narrative, unknowingly, of course.
One of the taxi drivers approached us (they knew we weren’t Indian immediately). We showed him the name of our hotel and he showed us to his minivan. The vans really were mini, not like in the U.S. where our minivans are gigantic. These looked like vans from the early 90s but shrunk. Inside were two sets of benches along each wall of the van. We clambered inside, suitcases and all. My sister and I looked at each other as the door slammed shut and the small gray van darkened inside. A few windows let in yellow street lamp light. We looked at each other, grinning, both realizing how clueless we really were.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this post for quite a while and today I came across a few pieces, one in particular, that have helped me greatly. I found these pieces on Pactadopt.org, specifically the Grief and Loss in Adoption section. Thinking about adoption as loss is something tons of people have written about and I have been overwhelmed by the wealth of information I have found through reading other people’s accounts and experiences with adoption as loss. Here are my two cents.
Adoption equals loss. Although I use the term I’m not super into it. I dislike when people just focus on the negative and this statement surely seems, at face value, to emphasize the negative. That being said, I use it because I think it draws attention to the part of adoption that is seldom, outside of those involved in dialogues about adoption, mentioned: loss. I’ll admit that as a child I always used the line of reasoning that my first family must’ve been poor, sick or in some way unable to care for me and so that I am lucky to have been adopted into a western culture with access to all sorts of wonderful privileges, all of which I have benefited from tremendously. As a child I rejected the framing that adoption equals loss I amended it, as many do, to a much more positive perspective that adoption equals opportunity.
A few nights ago I had someone ask me where I was from and I launched into my little schpeel. I felt more uncomfortable than usual with a phrase I’ve used over and over again. “I was born in Indian and adopted by an American family and grew up in small town Southwest, Ohio.” This time that phrase felt woefully inadequate. I was able to come to the realization, through reading others’ work, that my story didn’t just start with being adopted. There was a year and a half after my birth where I lived in India. Not being able to talk about that year and a half or at least acknowledge that time as a valid experience in my life story hurt. I want to be able to tell people that there was a life during that one and a half years, not because I think that time is more important than the rest of my upbringing but because it is totally left out of my life story. The part before being adopted is en empty box. I know the only way to fill that box and remedy the situation is to learn the details to fill in what is missing. I think this personal conundrum is representative of the larger tendency to silence the loss in adoption.
It is this exact conundrum that leads people to the belief that adoptees should be grateful that they have been adopted. Not just grateful, but that they should see their situation as ONLY fortunate and not involving loss in varying degrees. If people, generally speaking, had a better understanding that the adoption process includes the breaking up of a family, I wonder if they would be less inclined to pressure adoptees into feeling grateful or some form of indebtedness. I think this piece also harks back to an earlier, much shorter post about feeling like I was born at age one and a half: Born After Birth.
One of the pieces that I felt was particularly helpful, although not 100% relevant to this post was “Don’t You Dare Repeat Any of This” Thoughts of Adoption By An Adoptee-By-The-Sea by Joyce Maguire Pavao. Joyce Maguire Pavao does a great job, personally speaking, of articulating a lot of feelings I’ve had over the years in one piece. I hope you enjoy it and find other resources on Pact that are helpful.
Looking at a mirror I often times, more so now than in the past am startled by my reflection. I almost don’t recognize myself. My face, it looks, well, different. I’m not the young undistinguishable American looking back at me. I’m…I’m Indian. I look Indian. I mean, well, I can tell, just by looking at me that I’m Indian.
I always remember being surprised, almost insulted sometimes, when someone guessed that I was from India. I would always ask them in response, “Just out of curiosity, how did you know I was Indian?” it was a serious question, I did want to know how they knew, but really I wanted to know how they found out. Often times I felt exposed, embarrassed and like I had been found out. I’ll admit it happened a lot less when I was a preteen/teenager than it does now, as an adult. Nonetheless it irked me. I felt like in order for them to find out I must’ve done something to tip them off.
I think this all goes back to a few keys things in my upbringing, most notably that I didn’t grow up with any other Indian people around me. There were no Indian families, no other Indian children and scarcely any Indian adults that I interacted with growing up. In addition to the lack of Indian folks near me growing up the Indian culture I was exposed to was a mix of negative racial stereotypes about Indians and sheer ignorance. Like many people faced with no real life counterexample I chose to believe the stereotypes.
To me Indian culture was communicated as emasculate, heavily traditional religiously, weak, hairy, unattractive, physically inferior, primitive and short. I know, its fucked up in more ways than I even know how to begin to unpack in this post. The Indian male that I felt was communicated to me as my future made me feel destined for social ostracization. In the context where tall predominately white males were most present I felt I needed to do whatever I could to push back against Indian culture and excel at things Americans excelled at. Believing the stereotypes about Indians meant I had to do whatever I could to disassociate myself with Indian culture.
On the one hand my response to Indian culture, predominately as a teenager but remnants last to this day, was rejection. I watched what happened to other kids who stuck out and decided I wanted no part of that. I chose to adopt a lifestyle that overcompensated for what I felt was an identity liability (being Indian). On the other hand I had no strong Indian figures in my life, or advocates of Indian culture and identity, for me to take ownership of. I felt I had no counterexamples to the negative portrayals of Indian culture and I went looking for none.
The experience of growing up without Indians and Indian culture has been a strange absence in my life. It makes me feel out-of-place and self-conscious when I am around other Indians. You know, that feeling where you feel partially one thing but partially the another. Or you feel some sense of obligatory kinship to a group of people but you don’t know what that kinship is made up of. You know that feeling? It’s a weird feeling and it makes that sense of kinship feel fake. Just like when your friends go and visit India and come back and talk to you about things they expect you to understand because, well duh, you are from India. Its embarrassing. I feel fraudulent a lot of the time. Like I am co-opting an identity I haven’t earned. As I’ve said in other posts I often think my lack of knowledge of Indian culture offends other Indians as well (somewhat justifiably I’d say), which reinforces my feelings of inadequacy and fraudulence.
This whole rejection of Indian culture and identifying as Indian is coming full circle. I still lack strong Indian role models or images, but for the first time ever, in my life, I have begun to see myself (quite literally) as Indian. It’s terrifying in a way. I don’t know what or who I am looking at in the mirror. Not because being Indian is terrifying or inherently weird, but because I feel I have spent much of my life building an identity that rejects what I see in the mirror today. It’s difficult to embrace who I see in the mirror because I have such strong negative connotations with that image (myself). It’s not that I now hate myself or something equally self-deprecating and depressing, it’s that the foundation on which I have structured my identity has begun to shift and it is hard to feel ok with that shift.
Great piece. I strongly encourage taking a few minutes to read the piece and follow The Adopted Life blog.
Originally posted on the adopted life:
NPR contacted me and asked me to be a part of the Sunday Conversation that aired yesterday morning. I spoke in depth about my story, my upbringing, the challenges and joys of my experience being raised by White parents, only to receive an email the next day stating that they had chosen to go another route. I responded kindly by stating “I sure hope you’ve chosen to include an adoptees perspective for your segment.” I awoke to hear the one-sided, tired, age old perspective that we’ve heard so many times before. A loving, White adoptive parent of three African American children was the only voice to hear. While her voice is valid and valuable, it should not have been the only voice…
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I spend a lot of time thinking about and talking about where I am going to live. You know, like where I’m going to settle down and have kids, raise a family and all that jazz. My ideas change constantly. One minute I am dead set on living Richmond, where I went to school, the next I want to drop everything and move to India and the next I want to move to a huge city (something I used to say I’d never do). Even though I change my mind constantly one thing has begun to become clear: moving back home looks less and less appealing.
Moving back home is complicated for many reasons. I often am asked by friends or family from home if or when I am moving back home. In some ways it is flattering that they want to me to live around them. Whenever they ask I tell them I don’t want to live at home. Naturally, they always ask why. It’s a hard thing to answer. I still struggle to figure out a tactful answer that I think wont offend them but does my own feelings justice, it’s a hard balance that I’m never sure I accomplish. It’s hard to say why I don’t want to live at home because any criticism of my home town comes off as a criticism of the people living there, which it is, if I’m being honest.
I haven’t really found the right phrasing but what I want to communicate is that my home town is too white. Now, how do I say that to all my white family and white friends from home without sounding like I am directly attacking them for being white? I don’t know, but here is my best shot at an explanation. When I think about having kids, think about who I want to spend the rest of my life with or try to envision myself as a an old man all of those people are white. My kids are white. My partner is white. I mean, shit, even me as an old man is white. Let’s unpack those things one by one.
My kids are white. So, I could actually have white kids because I could adopt white kids. But that’s not what I mean when I say my kids are white. I mean when I envision a woman impregnated by me having a child, that kid is white. Not mixed, but full on white kid. Just wait, it gets better.
My partner is white. This is perfectly reasonable, right? I mean I’ve dated white women and don’t see myself stopping. My qualm is that I cannot even create an image of my future partner where she is not white. There are certainly a lot of things at play here including who popular culture tells me I should be attracted who (mostly white women). Be patient, I’m almost there.
I am an old white man. Ok, this is not reasonable or even feasible unless I pulled a Michael Jackson. I’m being polite, its fucked up. When I think about grandpa Kumar I think of some old, short white guy with a semi blurry face. Sure maybe I have difficult envisioning myself as an older person because I am adopted, I’d say that is a reasonable response. Unfortunately, I don’t have trouble envisioning myself, I just envision myself as a white person, which is troubling.
I know I am oversimplifying, but I think a huge reason why it is very difficult for me to see POC in my life in the future is that I did not grow up in a place where there are a lot of folks who look like me. As a youngster I just figured that was how things worked out, but now I am in a place where I get to choose where I live, where my kids will grow up and what they will see growing up. Whatever skin color they are, gender they identify as, religion they subscribe to, sexuality they identify with I want them to have people in their community/daily life that help them envision their future selves, not hinder those visions.
Does that make sense? it’s not about not being around white people, it’s about being around not white people.
I don’t write much. I often wish I wrote a lot more than I do. I often want to write about things other than adoption, ALS and family. I like writing short stories and just about my life in general as a result I am rebranding this blog. In effect, I am changing faces. I’ll keep the name for the time being since it is in the URL but this is now going to become my own little narcissistic space for all things Kumar. To those of you who just connected with me because I write about adoption I will still write about adoption but also a lot of other things as well.
Thanks for the encouraging words of support and critical thought and I hope some of you folks out there keep an eye on this page and continue to follow me through this cyber world.
Friends, acquaintances, web surfers and lurkers welcome to the Adoption Blogger Interview Project 2013. I had the wonderful opportunity to interview Lisa Cook of Open to Life (and God’s plan for it). We had a great time exchanging questions and responses over the past few weeks. Before we get started don’t forget to check out all the other awesome interviews (including mine!) at Open Adoption Bloggers. Additionally, you can check out the interview post for my group here (I don’t know what this is, but someone told me to post it so there).
The interview that follows is almost entirely verbatim of the conversations that Lisa and I had. I am not very into molding, shaping and engineering how others tell their own stories so the following is “raw”. I have messed with the order of the questions so that is will flow nicely. That being said I have included some of my own reflections at the end which hopefully gives you an idea of how important a project like this can be for opening your eyes to experiences you’ve never had.
What is your occupation?
I used to work for a not-for-profit agency, coordinating various programs for them. I left when Olivia was 3 months old to be home with her. I now stay home with my kids and offer childcare during the school year. In the summer, I work weekends at a local tourist attraction.
What do you feel were to biggest factors in your decision to adopt?
We wanted to have children, and we couldn’t get pregnant. That was the first and driving force, although if I’m being honest, the idea of adoption has always been attractive to me.I had a wonderful childhood and I have amazing parents, but I’ve always been aware that there were kids who were not so blessed. Right out of college, I started working for a not-for-profit organization with a social service department, and I started to see firsthand how true this was. In a perfect world, adoption would be unnecessary. But our world is not perfect, and there are kids who, unfortunately, cannot be raised in their biological families. Domestic infant adoption allows some of those kids to have a consistent and permanent family from birth and still have contact with their biological families. That made sense to me.
Another big factor in our decision to adopt is that we felt called, specifically, to this method of family building. At every step, we felt nudged in this direction. Call that what you will. I call it God’s will. He alone knew and knows exactly what these birth families were and are facing and that they would need to make this decision. He led us to them and them to us, specifically, for a reason. We are just enjoying watching these kids’ little lives play out and trying our very best to be the parents they need us to be
Did you ever think about adopting internationally? If so/no, why/why not?
Actually, when we began to research adoption, we looked at all of the possible avenues. We did go to an orientation at a local international adoption agency. Initially, I was very attracted to this possibility in theory. But after we learned about the specific countries and each one’s particular adoption process, none of them appealed to us as much as the domestic agencies and options that we had also been researching. They seemed (to me) to be more impersonal and detached “baby sources”. I hate that term, but it really felt like we would sign up, complete all of the required paperwork, pay our fees and be rewarded with the baby of the age/sex/health condition of our choice. It felt like shopping and was too impersonal for me.
Domestic adoption, in this time in history, almost always requires some contact and communication with the birth mother and/or birth family. At first, that scared me, but gradually I got used to the idea and realized what a gift this could be to us and to our kids. I always say that the teenage years are turbulent enough without being completely in the dark about where you came from. Our kids see their birth mothers at least a couple of times a year and know who they are. (Well, Olivia knows. Martin is too young to understand what is going on just yet.) We (my husband and I) get to know the birth mothers and birth family too, and we can see certain personality traits in the birth family that help us to understand our kids as they grow and display some of these inherited traits as well.
These kids…they didn’t just materialize out of thin air, and even though we took both kids home from the hospital at birth, they have a history before us. For us, domestic adoption was the most comfortable choice because it allowed us an ongoing connection to this history. But every family/couple is different, and what is right for one family/couple is not necessarily right for another. We have close friends who have adopted two children internationally, and they are very happy with their experience and had reasons for their international journey that did not apply to us. When we talk about adoption with them, they refer to our ongoing relationship with our kids’ birth families and say, “Wow, that must be so hard…I can’t imagine having to deal with all of that.” But I can’t imagine NOT having that experience. Neither experience is right or wrong…they are just different.
Do you think there are many differences between the way you raise your children and parents who don’t adopt? Anything specific?
Some, yes. I think when you are an adoptive parent, you necessarily have to be an intentional parent. Some (not all) people who have biological kids just figure out this parenting thing as they go along.
But those of us who adopt are subjected to a rigorous homestudy process ahead of time, like a big fat job application to be a parent. We are fingerprinted and background checked and interviewed extensively and questioned about our pets’ vaccinations and the location of our fire extinguishers. If we adopt interracially or internationally, we are offered a whole set of classes to help us adjust to our new reality as an interracial family or how to incorporate the child’s heritage into our family traditions. There are so many things we are forced to think about ahead of time. SO. MANY. THINGS. All of this process is bound to lead us to do our own research and start thinking, even before baby comes along, about how we are going to parent this child who did not spring forth from us.
We also know that our kids are going to have to deal with issues and questions growing up that most kids don’t have to think about. Their gifts and talents, height and physical characteristics, medical history and predispositions…these all came from outside of the family in which they will grow up. This is bound to lead, at the very least, to some angst or feeling of disconnect as they grow up and go through those tumultuous teenage years. I intend to learn all I can in the meantime, through research and connection with other adoptive families, so I can help my kids through whatever questions they may someday have.
Are there ways in which your husband’s adoption beliefs differ from your own? What about other family members?
This is a hard one to pin down. The things we believe about adoption…the ways we feel or think…have changed and grown over time. When we started this journey (research/discussion phase), our individual ideas of what would be the ideal match/placement/relationship with birthparents were probably pretty different from each other. Over time, both of us have changed in our individual views and beliefs, and I would say that we are pretty closely aligned, now, in how we think/feel about adoption. We have walked through this journey together, gone to adoption preparation classes together, educated ourselves on various adoption-related issues together, dealt with real-life adoption situations together. We are pretty united on our approach.
Other family members readily embraced our kids as a part of the family, and we are so blessed that we didn’t have to deal with any disharmony over our decision to adopt interracially. I would say that the main issue where we differ is in the relationship with birthparents. Our parents grew up and raised children in an era when adoption, when it happened, was shrouded in mystery. Very little was known about birthparents, and there was absolutely no contact. This makes it hard for family members to really understand our desire to maintain ongoing contact and visits with the kids’ birthparents. Sometimes, aspects of our ongoing contact cause us frustration, and family members don’t understand why we go through the trouble. I think, sometimes, they (the grandparents) also feel just a bit threatened by the presence of birthparents in the kids’ lives…as if they will try to undermine our relationship as the kids’ parents. It is understandable, because most of the adoption stories featured on the news in that generation were negative. Perhaps we need to introduce the grandparents to the many positive open adoption stories in the blog world. Sure, there are people with negative experiences. But that is not the whole picture.
Do you think knowing the birthmother, and having a pretty strong relationship with her, affect your decision to adopt Olivia?
Well, no. Actually, we met Olivia’s birthmother for the first time just two months before she gave birth. We met in the office of the counselor who was working with her, and we were the third couple she had considered. She chose us on the spot, and we didn’t see her in person again until the day Olivia was born. Our relationship with her came later.Olivia’s adoption was done independent of an agency. We had chosen an agency but hadn’t yet signed up when we got this independent referral. At the time, we were unsure that we were prepared to adopt domestically outside of our own race, so we had decided to sign up to be “open” to only caucasian placements. But when this counselor (a friend of mine) asked if we’d consider being presented as a potential adoptive family for this woman’s baby, and that the baby was biracial, we immediately said “yes”. I actually trembled when I called my husband to ask his opinion because I was so afraid he’d say no, because we had agreed that we were not ready for this. But he did not hesitate. “Set up the meeting. If she choses us, we’ll do it.”
I think it was at this point that we realized that our family building was out of our own control and we’d be stupid to ignore a potential match just because the baby’s skin and hair wouldn’t match ours. This was a baby who needed a family. From a faith perspective, I’d say this is when we let God step in and take the lead and did our best to just follow.
You have said in a few entries that Olivia is confident and clear about who Samatha is vs. who her parents are, does Olivia talk about this difference at all? Can you also tell in the way she acts/treats you and your husband vs. Samantha?
Occasionally, after a visit or when a special occasion is approaching (birthdays, holidays), Olivia will ask questions about Samantha and when we can see her again. She gets particularly frustrated when Samantha backs out of plans we have made (which happens much more frequently than we’d like). She knows, simply by the way we work hard to protect her feelings and make up for her disappointment that we are the ones she can count on through thick and thin. She loves Samantha deeply, but I can also see that she feels pain and some confusion when they are together because Samantha doesn’t always live up to her expectations. I’ve heard that some adoptees/birthparents put each other on a pedestal because they see each other only occasionally and in their best light. I’m afraid that, at this very early age, Olivia has seen too much of her birthmother’s life and lifestyle to put her on a pedestal. That’s sad, but also, perhaps, good for her as she ages and continues to understand the reasons why her birthmother really couldn’t parent her.
What are some of the ways you think Olivia’s experience growing up may be different than other children?
Olivia sees her experience as the norm, and not the exception. She can articulate exactly where she came from, who gave birth to her, who her parents are (us) and who her birthmother is. She has friends who are also adopted domestically. She sees other adoptive families get created and feels like this is normal. Occasionally, she will talk about her friends at school or her cousins and say, “Who is his/her birthmom?” So, for her, having two types of families (birth and adoptive) is normal, not weird.
So far, Olivia hasn’t felt left out or excluded in any way because of her adoption, or even because of her racial difference. Our community (neighborhood, church, school) has been so open and welcoming so far that I’m not even sure she realizes that she is different. She recognizes skin color. (She describes Mommy as pink, Martin as brown, and herself as beige.) She knows that most of the kids in school are “pink, with yellow hair”, but it does not seem to make one bit of difference to her. She does say she wishes she had straight, yellow hair, but at this point I think that is mostly because she wants what she doesn’t have (which is common of most girls…I always wanted curly brown hair).
I don’t know how this will change with Martin. He is more obviously different in skin color, and his personality is also different from Olivia’s. Olivia is a very confident child. There is nothing she cannot do, and she feels certain of that. I think that helps her overcome any difference she may feel.
What are some of the ridiculous questions you have been asked?
When the kids were babies…as in, less than 3 months old…people would always ask us where they were from and when did we get them. I think this is because so much is heard about international adoption that people just assume that if your children are adopted, they came from some country other than this one. This happened more with Martin because he is more obviously different in skin color. I always found this hilarious because anyone who knows anything about international adoption would realize that it is impossible to bring home a baby that young from out of the country. When asked, I would simply state the name of the town and say, “We brought her/him home from the hospital.” And people don’t know what to say about that. Domestic adoption and how it works in actual practice seems to be the best kept secret outside of adoption circles.Olivia was a strikingly beautiful baby, and people commented on her eyes and hair all of the time. But since she was so very light-skinned, I could always tell that people were trying to guess whether she was biologically ours (or at least mine). So they rarely said anything about adoption at first. Instead, we were always asked something like, “Where did you get all of those pretty curls?” When they looked to me for an answer, I would shrug and say, “Well, certainly not from us.”
Now that we have Olivia and Martin together most of the time, people are more likely to assume they are both adopted. Once, I had a whole conversation in the checkout line with a very nice black woman who just thought it was “wonderful, wonderful!” that we adopted these kids. And then she proceeded to lecture me on how to keep their hair oiled or greased to keep it healthy. Which…was interesting.
Other dumb questions: Does she know she’s adopted? (Hard to keep that from a kid with a different racial background…eventually she’ll notice.) Where do his real parents live? (Oh, don’t even get me started on the “real” question.) Are they siblings? (Um, yes, one is our daughter, the other is our son, that makes them siblings. Oh, you mean biologically? No. But biology defines exactly nothing in our family.)
In one of the more recent entries to talked a little bit about how infertility is no longer something that you spend much/any time thinking about. Could you talk about how infertility (your own, but how most people engage with it) has changed/developed in your mind over the years?
For us, infertility started out as an obstacle to family building. Then it became a catalyst for family building, and I think that’s how I view it now. It was also an avenue for healing, because without infertility, we wouldn’t have been motivated to find and heal the causes of it, which helped heal other things impeding my overall well-being.
At the beginning of this journey, infertility was all-consuming. It was all I could think about. There was all of this fear surrounding the expense and process of adoption. But after adopting Olivia, infertility didn’t seem that important. We continued to work on some healing treatments for other reasons, but we didn’t feel like we NEEDED to overcome infertility anymore. We never felt the need to be biologically connected to our children, and after one successful adoption, we lost the fear associated with the expense and process.
I think many people treat infertility as a hurdle to jump over. Unfortunately, some doctors don’t spend a lot of time on discovering or healing the cause of the infertility. Instead, they spend the first phase of treatment trying various methods to overcome infertility (fertility drugs, IVF, etc) before considering any underlying disease…to the great detriment (and expense) of their patients.
I’ve really appreciated hearing the way you talk about how important it is for the birthmother to make the decision to place her child up for adoption and how it isn’t up to do. Do you ever feel like agencies push birthmother’s in ways that you don’t agree with?
Some agencies, yes. It is why we chose the agency we did with Martin. We felt like they treated the birthmothers with respect and counseled them well. They also counseled us well, letting us know that when agreeing to a match, we were committing to a birthmother, and that we were expected to be supportive of her needs and wishes. If she wanted us at the hospital, we were to make it happen. If she wanted us to stay away until after signing (usually after 24 hours), we should stay away. Under no circumstances should we bring grandparents, or even our daughter, to the hospital. That time was all about birthmom and her time with baby. They reminded us over and over that the baby was NOT ours until signing, and if all would go according to plan, that baby would be ours for life, but this may be the only bonding time that birthmom gets with that baby and we need to LET HER HAVE IT. They were very focused on birthmom rights, and we felt that was important.
Thank you for reading! It has gotten past my bed time so I will not have time to write my own reflections but maybe I will have time tomorrow and can add them here. If you liked what you read don’t hesitate to check Lisa out at Open to Life (and God’s plan for it).
I hope you enjoyed the interview and that you will check out the other interviews that people have done as well!
I’ll be participating in the Adoption Blogger Interview Project again this year and highly recommend it to anyone who writes about adoption, even just occasionally. I have a great experience last year and felt that I learned more about other people’s experiences through the project than I have through any other means. You know you want to do it, I mean, I know I want you to do it. At least check out the site and see what other people have written in the past few years. Open Adoption Bloggers hosts the project, thank you to all of them for putting it together again this year.