No progress. I just haven’t done anything in a few months. I have been busy. There is always some excuse though so it doesn’t really matter what it is. I hope to get back on the Search during May.
It is so easy to get distracted/suppress these feelings and just push things off. It isn’t fun and it is really complicated which certainly doesn’t help anything. I have also not been able to see my therapist given our conflicting schedules which has made me feel even more stagnant. We have decided to part ways and I am looking for someone else to see and get back into a routine of process and taking steps forward.
I have been doing a better job of being “real” about how I feel with friends and my sister which feels good. You know, just admitting that things weren’t great or that I didn’t feel loved unconditionally as a child…etc. It is just nice to be able to speak about those things with people who, although they may find it hard, are still able to see that the point is that I am trying to share and speak about my experience not blame or make others feel guilty.
I recently read a book called See No Color by Shannon Gibney and it was one of the first times I had read about the adolescent experience in transracial adoption. A lot of the emotions and feelings that the main character had resonated with me and hurt to read. Probably the hardest part of that book was reading her reunion with her biological father and the first words they share. It just felt like such an implausibility for me. I had never really walked myself through what that first meeting might be like and watching this 16 year-old girl do it in See No Color was mortifying.
It is a good read and quite quick.
I have also been running more frequently and I hope the development of that routine will lead to other habitual things in my life like making more progress on an OCI and searching.